Do we apologize for things we have no control over? Do we say "sorry" when things are not our fault? I have so much guilt over things that are totally out of my hands. I feel as if I miss out on so much. I feel very isolated and I am often absent when my friends and family need me or want me around.
I have a giving heart. I enjoy being there for people. I used to enjoy volunteer work. I always hoped I could help my sisters care for their children. That I could be people's "go-to" in a time of need. But I am usually unable. I can hardly even make it to family functions or casual time with friends. None of the isolation is by choice. It is what it is. Seth's needs right now out weigh anything else. It is extremely hard to break routine to be there for others. The guilt comes in because my heart wants to be. I want to be there. Yet I am unable. It's so tough. I always want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't come to your birthday dinner. I'm sorry I can't watch your child for that appointment you need to go to. I'm sorry I didn't make it to help you move. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and I'm still sorry.
I know it isn't anyone's fault and maybe the guilt I feel is abnormal. But I think anyone would feel this way. We are social by nature and naturally want to be there for each other. So, although I tend to my family's needs And I am thankful I am able to be there for my son...It's still tough. I know I am doing the absolute best I can but I am still sorry I can't be there for other people too. I try to stay positive and hope one day it will get a little better. Until then I will keep wishing I can do more but keep loving my little man and being his #1 supporter and #1 advocate. He has my heart and is the most important part of my life and that I will never apologize for! :)