Little bit lonely

I have to say, it's a bit of a relief when people don't constantly expect us to do things or go places.  I always had guilt for always saying no.  Now, we don't get the invites. As much as its a relief, it feels lonely.  Honestly, we couldn't go anyway, but sometimes simple words would go a long way. "wish you could come, but I inderstand.." "Miss you, hope to see you soon." I am beginning to feel forgotten about.  We are isolated to the point where somedays we cant even go outside much less leave the house.  Having poeple over or going to  visit others is a near impossibility at this point.  It's hard, it's lonely.  It's hard to see everyone doing fun things with their children while I sit indoors dodging meltdowns.  It could be worse, I know families are living in hospitals with critically ill children.  I count my blessings several times a day to keep my heart and my head in the right place. I am blessed! But I don't discount my feelings either.  Sometimes a few nice words can go a long way in someone elses heart. It can be lonely and it's nice to know others haven't forgotten us and still care.

It just hurts

It never gets easier to watch your child struggle. Watch them hurt. Watch them be left out. It hurts even more when they realize they are left out.
      Seth is learning his limits. Which is a great thing because he spares himself of meltdowns and days or aggravation from over stimulation.  Seth had a field trip to the fire station today. His school is a small home school so he went from our house to the fire station with me. Great for transitions and such. His teacher is great. She talked about this field trip for two weeks. I did the same. Seth loves fire trucks and has been excited to see them with his friends.
     This morning he did not want to go. He just didn't. This usually means he's anxious or knows he can't handle it. I always encourage him to try, even if we don't get out of the car...just try. Give it our best shot.  He did. Got in the car and we arrived to see all of his friends happily going into the fire station to see all the cool things.  Seth cried. Tears rolling down "I don't wanna go." I know Seth. His heart wants to, he wants to be with his friends getting to see firefrucks. He sees them doing it and wants to. But his mind and his body won't let. His anxiety and sensory system hold him back. I give him several minutes. He cries and says angrily "I want to. No I don't want to." an internal battle so familiar. Must hurt him to be held back by himself. Hurts me as his mommy that I can't fix it. I can't take it away, I can't take him in to enjoy a great time. Hurts a whole lot.
    I stay positive for Seth. "it's ok buddy, maybe next time. Let's go do something fun together now." His tears roll for a while. We end up buying a happy face pillow at the nearby dollar general. (Seth loves retail therapy) This pillow with a giant smile gave us both a smile. He then asked for fast food. Why not? Comfort food it is.  It hurts but it is what it is and we will carry on. Find our own comfort and happy. Maybe next year, maybe next time...Seth won't be left out. This happens a lot and will happen again I'm sure. I will always be here to try and make it better for the love of my life, my Seth.