There are only a handful of places that I can take Seth. We usually only do one outing per day, whether it is to therapy or to visit family. He usually loves to go get yogurt. It is just 2 minutes from our home and a short outing. It is one of our few "safe" outings. Well, our safe outing is now a "no-go zone."
Seth does this strange thing sometimes where he changes him mind back and forth. He will do it over and over, it is impossible to help him because he continues to change what he wants. He has done this before at home.
Well, he was excited to go get yogurt. We arrived, fixed our yogurt with his favorite sprinkles and sat down. On his first bite, he said no. Then, he wanted it, yes. No, yes, no, yes....I thought to myself. Why?!? This cant happen here. Great! So before he got too out of control, I said we had to leave. He freaked out! When Seth freaks, he gets aggressive. He pulls his hair, my hair, screams, hits his head and loses all control. Before I could grab him and all of our things(because he always travels with a ton of stuff) he was pushing over chairs...then went the table. And....the table broke!! I stood there stunned. Overwhelmed, stunned and still trying to get my raging son out of there!
The owner, and only employee there at that time...got mad. Not only did she get mad at Seth, she demanded I pay for the table before leaving. In the moment, I was so lost and upset...Whatever, I gave her my debit card. After barely getting Seth back into the car, unable to get him into his seat due to his rage...I broke down. He was ripping my hair out of my head, screaming and I was physically and mentally exhausted. Finally, I was able to force him into his seat to drive home. Reality hitting me in the face as I drove away.
No outing is simple. My life is not simple. No one gets it. The stares from strangers cut like a knife. I called my husband crying. Him, being the most carefree and optimistic person I know...replies with, "man, that was an expensive cup of yogurt." Well, yes it was...$225.00 to be exact.
I don't know what exactly hit me so hard. Maybe its that I never thought I would be that mom, with her child destroying other peoples property from pure rage! Maybe I feel like I have no control over my life. Maybe its just the reality that I wont ever have a care free life with my son like most people do. Whatever caused the breakdown...I broke down.
At the end of the day, the broken table was paid for. My broken spirit was just barely beginning to heal and I had to move forward. I will now think even longer and harder before taking Seth anywhere, especially when I'm by myself.
I had to post this post, I had to vent. I feel like no one understands what we go through and I hope someone else out there can see this post and not feel so alone. Or maybe have a little more compassion for what families with special needs kids go through. Phew, good thing everyday is a new day!