It is still hard for me to believe that four years has passed. I have been reflecting on the past four years since Seth's birthday. I could've never pictured my life to be the way it is. I could've never envisioned the triumphs and struggles. I would've never seen the strength and patience in myself. I have to have a moment of confession and admit that although it has been four years, I still have a hard time accepting. I never like to see Seth struggle and wonder why he has to struggle when it seems like most children are so carefree. Seth is bound by his anxiety and sensory difficulties. I know he knows no different, that is a slight comfort. I fear in some ways for what the future may hold, daily I tell myself, "wait to worry."
In reflection of the past four years, I know that there are "beauty" sides and "beast" sides to autism. We all know what a "beast" autism can be sometimes, so I am choosing to reflect on the beauty! Never, never, never could I have ever imagined love so deep, pure, patient and unending until I became a mother. Four years have only made that love even stronger. The past four years I have learned leaps and bounds about autism, something that was originally a foreign concept to me. I have met truly inspiring children, therapists and families. My heart has changed over these few years and I believe it will continue to do so. The world is so different when you have a special needs child. The small things are amazingly huge. The things that used to be important are minor. Your life long goals and dreams shift to something you wouldn't have been unable to give thought to before hand. Yet in that shift, your life is more meaningful and has more value. I am more accepting of others, slower to judge. My eyes are open to the struggles that are out there for many families. Not just families touched by autism, families touched by any special need. My heart is softened.
When your life is stripped of your familiar routine and you are left with the caring for your child 24/7, you realize what is important. You realize what you can live without. You realize how simple and precious life can be. Everyday of these past four years I have been at home with Seth. A huge blessing, though admittedly a struggle at times. Of course I yearn for a small part of the "old" me back. Even just a hobby I once enjoyed. With time, I know that that will come. Right now, I am part of something bigger, making memories daily with my little man, allowing him to be the best that he can be. Somehow though, in the process, Seth has made me better.
My only child, my only little boy is growing up. It is bitter sweet and I am looking forward to many many more years of simple memories. Maybe some less "beastly" moments would fare well also. ;)
I am thankful for the journey that I am on and what it has allowed me to "see." I am a better person and I will continue to pray for full acceptance of this journey. With time I hope that I can stop asking, "why Seth?" I hope the same for everyone else out there that may be struggling with accepting a life they didn't plan for. That we can enjoy the beautiful moments, have patience and perseverance in the "beastly" moments and set the worry aside!
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