Beauty after the storm

We have all seen these words so many times. "you can't appreciate the sunshine unless you go through the rain." Or "you can't have true joy until you know true pain."

Well....I always told myself that I appreciate my blessings and yes, I see the point but I do think you can have sunshine even without storms. Until this past week, then I realized the truest meaning of this phrase.

Usually every evening Seth plays outside. We go up and down our street and play in our driveway.  This routine has become monotonous. Sometimes I feel blah about it, sometimes I take the moments to breath in fresh air and look up at the clouds. It's usually kind of refreshing.  Well the past week we didn't have this time.  Seth would scream most of the day. He was unable to play indoors. He could barely stop crying for 20 minutes before it started again.  He didn't even want to go outside, he didn't want to do anything. Not his favorite things or his routine either. Just scream, just cry.  Such a setback. It was horrible. Watching my sweet child miserable is the hardest thing in the world. Feeling so helpless and overwhelmed makes me miserable as well. 

Well, the other night he calmed down for a little while and then actually agreed to go outside! I tell you, that trip down our street with Seth...fresh air...his smile...I felt like I won the lottery! I was on cloud nine.  I've never been happier to do our "routine." 

Now I get it. I really enjoyed our "sunshine" moment after that storm. I soaked it in, I cherished each step. I was full of complete joy. Just seeing my sweet boy happy and playing, outside....magical. So maybe terrible storms do make you realize the sunshine.

I am always thankful for our good days. I'm always thankful for our health. For our family. I live being thankful. But that joy, that day...was extra joyful. Extra bright sunshine once our storm had passed.

Side lines

As Seth finished up his first year of preK 3 just last week, I still have an image in my mind.  Him standing alone on the playground...watching his friends play.  

Seth has always been one to stand on the side lines. He is extremely cautious.  He doesn't like the unpredictability of others. I remember at his mothers day out program, he wouldn't go near the toy box.  Too much hustle and bustle around there.  His teachers kept a small airplane in a cabinet.  When he would go there two mornings each week, that's what he played with...alone.  For two years.  

The same airplane. I just can help but wonder if Seth thinks to himself why he can't do what the other kids are doing.  Why he can't hop into the fun jump with his cousins or walk through a group of people to go find a toy.  Does he care? Does he see the difference? Or is he content and satisfied being on the sidelines where he feels safe?  

Of course as his parent it hurts to see him standing alone. Watching. Standing. Alone. I wish he could interact more often.  But maybe my heart is the only one feeling this way, maybe Seth is just fine.  Maybe one day I will know how he feels about this.  Maybe it will get better, maybe we will find better tools to help Seth along.  

I just want Seth to know that he is incredible.  Just because he stands alone and doesn't do all that the other children do...that he is amazing. He works so hard everyday.  He works just to do what we all take for granted as simple.  He works to learn what we all learn and comprehend without even trying. Seth is my hero.  I want him to know that even when he's standing alone, he is never alone. I have his back. I'm right there buddy, I love you and I'm proud of you no matter what.

Moments

It has been too long since I've written. I am trying to get back in action. So I'm just going to pick up writing from now. I can't try and backtrack that would just be overwhelming to attempt :)

Yesterday Seth was having a hard time after nap. No child should ever have to experience pain of any kind.  Seth was in pain, pain with no voice, no apparent cause.  He was crawling in his own skin. Unable to stop kicking, screaming and crying.  I picked him up and swaddled him in his blanket and held him as tight as I could. I told him "mommy will rock you until you feel better, mommy is here." Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth..the kicking stopped, the crying ceased and I fell him relax. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...I must have rocked him for 20 minutes.  His eyes on the ceiling stimming side to side as if to try and calm himself.   He was in a trance and then he looked at me, right into my eyes and just stared.  Stared with a look of innocence, dependence and gratitude. Almost as if he wanted to say "thank you mommy, I couldn't calm down on my own." it was a tender moment. Continuing to rock he pointed to the door. He was ready to get off the bed and out of the room and try to move forward.  I carried him to the couch where he laid on my chest for another half hour.  He then got up with a smile and went to play with his cars.  It isn't always easy and is often heartbreaking...but I know Seth knows I'm here for him and I love him more than anything...through the rough and tough and tiring, o how I love my innocent little boy.

Love & Joy found in a puppy

          Well, I read and read about dogs for children with autism.  Even service dogs.  I read how calming they can be to kids and how they become a trusted and loyal friend.  So after a year and a half of research and contemplating if it was a good choice for Seth to have a dog, we got one! A black puppy was found by a family friend off of a busy road.  So, she became ours.  No pure bred pup could be better than this sweet little mix who is just happy to have a home.  Several months have passed with her as our new family member and we are so happy.  "Sissy" has had a positive impact on Seth.  Even the transition of having her in our home went smooth.  That was a major concern of mine because it is such a routine change, but all Sissy brought was joy.  Of course Seth still has a few tactile issues with her.  He doesn't like her licks, when she jumps or when she sits on his part of the couch! haha.  Yet still that little doggie radiates joy all day long with her wagging tail and puppy smile.  Seth picks up that joy.  Seth has had a slight reduction in his meltdowns since Sissy too.  He runs with her, plays fetch with her and always wants her to play in his room.  I call Sissy our "little ball of happy."  That's what she is.  She bounces around our house full of happiness, peace, contentment and joy.  I am happy and feel so blessed that Seth will have a loyal companion to grow up with.  A friend that loves purely with no condition or judgement.

More acceptance please

Warning: This blog post contains some ranting. ;)

     I must say that families affected with special needs deal with a lot on a day to day basis.  More than most will ever see or realize.  That being said, why tack on another issue?  I have noticed that there are poeple out there that don't take autism seriously.  They think it is lack of descipline on the parents part or that our children are just super brats.  I am tired of this.  Autism is a neuroligical disorder, their brains are actually wired different.  They are different.  I know that kids on the spectrum need to learn life skills and learn to fit in to some degree.  But you can not force a child to do something they are not capable of.  Would you ever see a child in a wheelchair on the playgroud and tell them to go join the race the other kids are having?  Would you force her out of her chair and demand that she walk when she is unable?  NO! because you know she is not able to.  Instead you would push her along in her chair so she could play with her peers.  You would encourage her and cheer her on and let her know it's ok to be diffent.  So why then do people insist on forcing children with autism, including my son, to do things they are not capable of?  Why throw them into a situation they cannot emotionally, physically or socially handle?  I've heard, "Throw them to the sharks, they will learn.  You hold him back to much.  Send him to my house and his autism will disappear."  Guess what, all untrue!  I would love for people to educate themselves on autism and what it entails.  I would love for people to accept my child exactly where he is, today, in this moment.  Accept and help.  If people prefer to live ignorant, and do not wish to help...then do not judge.  No one knows what anyone else is dealing with in their life.  Most don't realize the impact autism has.  So take off the judgement hat and know that we are doing the best we can with our kiddos.  We want them to learn and grow and thrive...when they are capable, willing and ready!  Autism is a true reality. Educate yourself and respect.  Respect everyone and have compassion. 

adorable

We all know that life with autism is not easy. We know that it can be a real struggle. Though hard times are present, there are also very endearing aspects of autism. Some traits that Seth has are just adorable, whether it is from autism or just Seth's personality...its down right cute! Seth is four years old now but he still has an adorable innocence. He takes myself and my husbands word as truth, no matter what. Seth is also a rule follower. Its cute it you joke with him and say "don't you tickle me!" Seth will not do it! He makes me laugh. He takes everything very literal as well. Just the other day he heard a lady say she was going to "knock you in your tail" to her son, Seth looked intently for a tail on that little boy! :) Seth groups together certain things. For holidays, he thinks that birthdays are shared, kind of like Christmas. He also thought the Santa brought his birthday gift, too cute to tell him otherwise!  Seth groups together time also and everything is "yesterday."  Whether it was last year, or that morning....to Seth it's "yesterday."  Another awfully sweet thing is that Seth repeats himself alot. He has routines or what he talks about at certain points of the day, there are several examples of this but I have a favorite. Every night at bedtime he talks about how it is dark outside, but the sun comes up in the day. Then he says the sun shows through the window in the daytime for nap, but is is dark at night. Every night, same thing. He has the same type of conversation routines at different points throughout each day. Although it is repetitive it is so sweet to watch him talk and tell a story, even if Ive heard it everyday for months! OK, I'm almost done with my endearing traits! But I have to say that Seth has no judgment about anyone.  He doesn't know if you are a girl or a boy.  He doesn't care.  He doesn't know any social cues like that, he just accepts you for what you are....you. When you watch a child live day to day like Seth, you realize how simple yet complex his mind is.  He sets aside many things that he has yet to grasp, but notes very small details of things that he sees. He appreciates beauty in things and doesn't know how to judge, wish I could be more like him in that aspect.   Seth is such a sweet child. He is full of innocence and pure love. He gives great kisses and looks at life with accepting eyes and an open heart. Amongst all of the struggles that Seth faces, he is so very sweet and so darn cute! I am very blessed to have such a sweet little man!

Family of 3!

      Seth made us a family.  We may have always planned on a bigger family, but we are happy with our family of three!  Everyone still pushes us to have another child, my response is always, "one and done!"  I feel blessed and overjoyed to have had the opportunity to have my own child.  I know many people that will never know what that is like.  I feel blessed to have Seth.  Through all the trials we have been through and will continue to go through, I would never trade him or any of it!  He keeps us very busy and we have our hands very full, so Seth will be an only child.  I know that he will have a happy and fulfilled life even without siblings.  We are lucky that Seth has many cousins close by.  God has a different plan for every person and every family.  Those plans often differ from the plans we had for ourselves!  Every person is different and every family is unique.  We should honor and respect whatever decision people make.  When that decision involves family, we should go with the same attitude or respect.  "To each their own."  So although many people don't understand or even like the fact that we are only having one child...we are content.  I know that we've been blessed and even though I didn't have two children, I am beyond thankful that I have my Seth.  Our little family of three is perfect and great and I wouldn't change a thing! ;)